Don't like having a movie spoiled for you? THEN DON'T READ BEYOND THIS POINT! Honestly, the film Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen has been out for almost 3 months. So if you haven't already seen it too fucking bad. It's been out long enough. You had your chance. Why am I reviewing it now? Simple. I just saw it. Why? Because I knew it was going to be a turd. This is why I waited for it to come to the discount cinema. In my hometown we have one of those cheap theaters that debuts pictures roughly about a month before they are released on DVD and you can see it on the big screen for about 4 bucks. Not bad if you refuse to pay full price for a film you feel may suck a bit.
Let me tell you though. No amount of reviews, previews or general word of mouth could prepare me for what a turd this fucking god awful waste of film was. WOW. Just, WOW. I'll be honest I did enjoy the first film for what it was. Okay so it was directed by Michael "all style, no substance" Bay and it had barely recognizable versions of robots from my childhood in a soulless, shallow and ultimately flat multi-million dollar blow-em up film. However the first Transformers was an enjoyable dumb popcorn film that mildly amused me.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen happens to be one of the worst films I have ever seen and I've seen a lot of turds in my time. I'll have to say that the film did have some pretty bad reviews but in my opinion everything I've heard, seen or read was far too forgiving. For all of the geeks of the world that slammed X-Men Origins: Wolverine, X-Men: The Last Stand, Spider-Man 3, Hulk, Daredevil, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen makes all of those films look like The Godfather II in comparison.I can't believe that I just wasted two and a half hours of my life and three dollars and seventy five cents of my hard-earned money. As far as films that Hollywood has dropped nearly half a billion dollars into making, this film goes right up there with Batman: Forever, Batman and Robin and Van Helsing in terms of "What the fuck were they thinking ?".
Let's start with the robots. If you thought the robots in the first film looked nothing like the Transformers that you collected as a child, then this film will shatter your perceptions of just how awful they can make those beloved toys of our youth look. They look terrible. Each robot has thousands upon thousands of complicated joints and parts thrown onto their bodies for no apparent reason whatsoever. In fact if the reason for making the robots so overly complicated was to make me confused as to who the robots were or who they were fighting: Mission Accomplished. I never claimed to be the biggest Transformers fan but, I still know more than the average bear and there were dozens of faceless robots that I couldn't pick out of a line-up. Starscream for starters (who I had no idea had survived the last film) was turned into a terrible version of Igor, Jetfire was a old aging robot (and god help me I'm not making this up) with a cane, and an Italian stereotype nameless Decepticon RC Car. Don't even get me started on "the twins". Two robots that began the film as an Ice Cream Truck that could split into two of the most annoying characters imaginable. The twins would later take on the form of two separate compact cars (obviously Chevy's poor-attempt at plugging their latest models) and become yet even more annoying. It was a duo that would give Jar Jar Binks a run for his money. They were terrible African-American Stereotypes, one even sported a gold tooth. God forgive me. I'm not making this up. Where is the ACLU when you need them?
The human characters were, if you can believe it, yet even more irritating and I found myself praying to every known Deity that they would be killed swiftly and with brutal force, because this was the only possible way I could even begin to fathom enjoying this train-wreck of a film. I hate Shia LaBeouf and Megan Fox and I would give any worldly possession to ensure that I never have to see or hear them ever again. Their story is stupid. In fact it insults the intelligence of every human being young and old that paid for this piece of shit. Fuck Michael Bay, fuck him till he dies. Holy shit I can't believe I just saw what I saw. They could have left the human characters out of the film entirely and we would have saved at least and hour of our misery. Their presence had no point. After about 45 minutes the film just stopped making sense. So apparently in a story that is a full of holes and a whole fucking hell of a lot like the first one just slightly changed, these fucking waste of Hollywood talent characters are tied into the film.
Transformers have been on the earth for a long time we know this because Sam's Grandfather found Megatron like what 50 years or more before the events of the first film. Well get this they been around a lot longer and they even helped create the pyramids! Whoppity fucking shit! Anybody else tired of that old fucking story? In the first film they are after the All-Spark Cube now they are after the Matrix! Which might as well be the same fucking thing. It's like they paid a script writer countless amounts of money to re-write the same fucking movie. Worked the first time, right? Why not insult us all and try it again?
Even the action is boring. I spent an entire 2 & 1/2 hours completely confused as to what was even taking place in front of my eyes on a giant screen I was pointed at in a darkened room. The film's action was wild and erratic with more pointless explosions than Rambo 2 and 3 combined. Except unlike those aforementioned Rambo films that were awful in a fun way this film was not. Let's not forget that half the time I was confused to if I was watching a movie about transforming robots or a recruitment film for the United States Military.
I honestly can't say enough bad things about this film. There isn't one single redeemable quality in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. If the word of mouth and reviews are any indication then G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra (which I was also waiting to go to the discount theater) is far worse. I can't even begin to imagine this. I think I would surely kill myself if I was forced to watch such an awful film. Not to mention one based on a beloved childhood memory. I honestly just can't watch another favorite being ruined in front of me. At this rate I'm not sure I'll ever see G.I. Joe.
Fuck you Michael Bay. I hope you die.
Love,
Matthew Jeffrey
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