One of the more amusing things that came with the classic GI Joe toys were the character's military file cards on the back of the toy packaging. The file cards included a pic of the character along with important information about the character and a description of their history and role in the GI Joe story. The important information included things like the character's real name, any alias' the character went by, their job specialization and even (in the case of the Joes) their military pay grade.
It was a tiny little bit of pseudo-realism that made the toys that much cooler. I even knew kids (myself included) that would cut out the military cards and would keep a file of all of the characters they had toys for. Now it looks like the new GI Joe movie is going to be including military file cards on the back of the movie toys as well, but this time around the information they are sharing with us about the upcoming film is downright scary.
A GI Joe fansite called Hisstank has obtained copies of a number of the new toy file cards, and its making things look pretty grim. Admittedly, it isn't all bad news. The Stormshadow file card for example (pictured above) actually looks pretty cool. But then you get retardedness like this:
Why does the GI Joe team's resident computer hacker look like a 70's porn star? Seriously, what's with the bad haircut and the porn-stache? And what in gods name is that stupid looking thing over his eye? How the hell does that help him hack into computer systems. And why do I get the feeling that at some point in the film we're going to hear some incredibly idiotic and inane technobabble from him like, "If I program a quadrolatical worm program into Cobra's unbreachable firewall, I can use it to bypass their binary firewall and hack into their internet!"
But sadly, that's not the worst of it. Not by far. The truth of the suckiness that this film will be presenting to us can't even be properly described. It is best just to show you. Meet . . . . . The Doctor!
Wow. Just . . . . . wow. He looks like a supervillain from a low budget sci-fi kids show from the 1980's. Is this guy supposed to be menacing? Really? How can someone not look at this guy and bust up laughing?
Here's the really really sad part. For those of you who are reading this and who are GI Joe fans, you're probably asking yourself right now, "Who the frak is The Doctor? I've never heard of him before!" It's a good question to ask. Just who is The Doctor? Well . . . . . if this is any indication, according to IMDB the actor who plays The Doctor is also the same actor who plays Cobra Commander.
So The Doctor most likely IS Cobra Commander!
Whatever tiny little shred of hope I had left that this film wasn't going to suck more than any other sucky film in sucky film history has ever sucked before is now dead and gone. This is shaping up to be the worst god damned movie of all time. This film is going to make films like Waterworld and In the Name of The King look like oscar winning Best Pictures by comparison. I'm going to have to get good and drunk before I can bring myself to step into the theater to see this giant piece of crap.
Is it happy hour yet? I need a stiff drink after posting this. Maybe a couple. Aw frak it. I can't wait for happy hour to come. I'm just going to have to start drinking right now. Only booze can help me forget the horror that is The Doctor.
UPDATE: Since I originally posted this article this morning, Hisstank (the site I link to above) has been ordered by Hasbro to remove the images of the file cards that they had posted on their page. Due to this I lost some of the images I had posted as I had directly linked to their images. I apologize for this error on my part. I was able to save two of the images below, but unfortunately the images of Stormshadow and the Baroness have been lost.
I have edited the article to not reference the missing photos. Once again, I apologize for this.
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