F**k You George Lucas!!!

There have been rumors floating around for a while now that George Lucas would once again be making tweaks and changes to the Star Wars films as part of their upcoming release on Blu-ray. While this news certainly didn't surprise me, or anyone else for that matter, it did certainly fill me with dread. Just exactly what would Lucas be changing this time? Would these be small, positive changes like what he did with adding background details like windows on Cloud City that made it look bigger and cooler, or would we have yet another debacle of "Han shot first" proportions?

The initial details that came down were actually pretty positive. It was revealed that Lucas would be replacing the god awful muppet version of Yoda from Episode One with an all CG version that would match how he looks in episodes 2 and 3. Now, I'm not a fan of CG characters at all, but I was ok with this because it made sense to me from a cinematic standpoint to have a character keep a consistent appearance throughout all three films. And let's be honest here, that version of Yoda in Episode One looks really horrible. Good riddance to it.

Today though, more details have emerged and they aren't pretty. It looks like Lucas has once again decided to run hog wild with his changes and has gone in and played with things that didn't need to be changed. The biggest, most egregious mistake in my personal opinion is the video above of Darth Vader first quietly saying "No" as he watches the Emperor attack Luke with force lightning and then yelling "NOOOOOOOOOOOO" as he throws the Emperor down into the heart of the Death Star.

I apologize in advance here, but I'm about to lose my mind. Please discontinue reading if you have problems with foul language, cursing, or colorful expletives.

I'm serious here.

Ok, here we go...

FUCK YOU GEORGE LUCAS!!!!! Why in god's name would you mar one of the most pivotal moments in the entire Star Wars saga?!?!?! This addition adds absolutely nothing to the film. In fact, it greatly weakens the scene altogether. The fact that Vader didn't speak in this scene is exactly what made it so incredibly powerful in the first place. By his not speaking, the viewer is forced to watch his expressionless mask and wonder what is going through his mind as he is watching his own son being tortured to death before him. When he comes to his decision, his body language and the way he holds himself changes. Even with the mask on, you can clearly see the emotions that are running through Vader as he is forced to make a decision. That expressionless mask actually expresses the turmoil the character is going through. It's an incredibly poignant piece of Cinema. Having him now yell "NOOOOOOOO" as he picks up Emperor Palpatine just cheapens the whole thing. It takes away from the powerful imagery and makes the whole scene goofy.

This is Darth Vader's big moment. It's his turning point from main villain and scourge of the galaxy to a redeemed hero. This is what 6 fucking films have been building up to. This is the moment that Anakin Skywalker lives up to the prophecies and brings balance to the force by destroying the Dark Side . . . and you've totally fucking ruined it George Lucas. I say it again, Fuck You sir! You have completely lost what little remaining respect I had for you as a filmmaker. Yes, when you were younger you were great. You had a talent for storytelling and myth building. Now though, you're a hack who doesn't understand the importance of story structure and when to let the audience decide things for themselves.

Dear god, this makes Greedo shooting first look like a scene from Citizen Kane.

Even if that was the only pointless, stupid change Lucas had made, I would already be angry enough, but no, there's more. Much more. How about that scene in Episode IV where Obi-Wan scares off the sand people by yelling like a Krayt Dragon. Yep, that's been changed too.

What the fuck is that? That sounds so stupid! What was wrong with the original noise he made? Why did this have to be changed? WHY, I fucking ask you! WHY!?!?!?!

Oh, and remember when R2-D2 hides from the Jawas in that rocky canyon? Yep, that's been changed too.

Lucas took the time to have some poor ILM staff digitally insert rocks into this scene? Really? Why? His little hiding place was fine before! And just how the fuck did R2-D2 get into that tiny cave in the first place? Obviously, he's too big to have gotten in there on his own. So, tell me George, how did he get in there? HOW!?!?!?!

Ok, here's one more. This one is a bit more subtle, but is still fucking pointless. I'll let you see if you can figure out what it is.

Did you catch it? Wicket has eyelids now! That's right, Ewoks now blink. Oh god that's sort of creepy. Again, why was this necessary? Has George Lucas secretly been bothered for almost 3o years now that Ewoks didn't blink? Was he so bothered by it that he again ordered some poor ILM staffers to go in and digitally insert blinking eyelids onto every single Ewok in the film? Was there some public unrest for the last three decades that these lovable little fuzz balls couldn't close their eyes? WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS? It's so completely unnecessary.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad that I wasn't already planning on buying the Blu-Ray releases of these films. I feel bad for any other Star Wars fan who shells out the $90 these things are going to cost too.

Be warned fellow fans, these are not the films you're looking for!

Until the day that Lucas decides to release the original, untouched films on Blu-Ray, I will not even be considering these versions to exist. I'm sure there will be more changes too, but at this point I've lost all desire to talk about this anymore. I'm too depressed. Is it really that hard to give the fans what they want? Why can't George get it through his thick fucking skull that we don't want any of this? We don't want fancy little CG add ons. All we want are the films we grew up watching, untouched from any of this modern revisionist crap.

You'll have to excuse me. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.

Female Fighters In Sensible Armor

In the world of fantasy art, there is a long running joke about female warriors and chainmail bikinis. Most likely due to the fact that the vast majority of older fantasy art was drawn by men, it is entirely common (even to this day) to see epic fantasy art featuring an adventuring party all decked out in their gear where the male heroes are covered in plate mail, scale mail or leather armor and their female companion is decked out in a thong bikini made of either cloth (if she's a druid or mage) or chain mail (if she's a fighter class).

Is this sad and horribly sexist? Absolutely. That's why I am so glad to see a brand new Tumblr site called Women Fighters In Reasonable Armor. It's sole purpose is to highlight amazing fantasy art centered around female characters who are actually fitted out as a proper warrior should be. Page after page of the site shows off just how awesome these women fighters can be without having to dress them up in garments more befitting of belly dancers.

Will this make the stereotype jokes about the chainmail bikini go away? Probably not, but it's a great step in the right direction in my opinion of showcasing gender equality in fantasy art and literature.

How The Harry Potter Series Should Have Ended

I must say that I'm a fan of the folks over at HowItShouldHaveEnded.com. Nine times out of ten, their videos are spot on in pointing out obvious plot holes in films in fairly humorous ways. Whenever a new video of theirs comes out, I'm always down to check it out because they are pretty much guaranteed to make me chuckle at least a little. In fact, if they were to make a regular series of their reoccurring joke where Batman and Superman are sitting in a diner and talking about superhero stuff, I'd watch the hell out of that thing.

This month, they bring us a great video about how the Harry Potter book and film series should have ended. Once again, I can't help but agree with them. Professor Snape being totally bad ass and saving everyone? I'm totally down with that!

Friday Happy Hour

Another week has come and gone. It's Friday once again. It's time to get dressed up and go into the city to celebrate. Friday and Saturday nights are all about dinner, dancing and drinking (or as I like to call them, the 3D's). This week's Friday Happy Hour pays homage to that great fictional city where every weekend seems to bring new supervillain attacks or bank robberies. The city where only one man stands against the forces of darkness night after night. The Batman!

Ok, so he has sidekicks and other heroes to help him too on occasion. Robin, Nightwing, Batgirl, Batwoman, Oracle, Huntress, Spoiler, etc. Still though, deep down it's his city and he only lets them operate there.

Anyways, back to the drink. In true metropolitan style, I bring you a martini that is as black as the city after which it is named. I bring you . . .

The Gotham City Martini

Ingredients:

• 3 ounces Smirnoff Vodka
• 1/2 ounce Blackberry Brandy
• 1/2 ounce Black Sambuca
• 3 Blackberries for Garnish

Instructions:

Combine ingredients in a cocktail shaker filled one-third full of ice. Shake ten to fifteen seconds. Strain into a well chilled martini glass. Add blackberries on a skewer for garnish.

(Via Intoxicologist)

The Greatest Sci-Fi Action Hero Of All Time

What happens when you cross two of the greatest sci-fi action heroes to ever grace the silver screen? Simple. You get the single greatest sci-fi action star this world has ever known. Han Sulu, smuggler and master swordsman! In my wildest dreams, somehow a movie about Han Sulu would be made, and it would become my favorite film of all time.

I only have two words for this . . . . Oh My!!!

(via SciFAnime)

Escape From City 17: Part 2 Is Finally Here!

Way back in 2009 I posted about an amazing Half Life fan film called Escape From City 17. It was a 4 minute or so short film which featured high production values, cool effects and was said to have been made for only $500. On top of that, the video ended with a preview of more to come.

Well, it's been two years, but it's finally here. Escape From City 17: Part 2 has been released, and it certainly does not disappoint. It's 14 minutes long, and it's glorious! This time the budget is said to be only $250.

I swear, between this and yesterday's Portal fan film, there is no reason for poor quality fan made films anymore. The bar has been set very high here folks! Personally, I'm just waiting for the day when some fan releases a full length live-action Legend of Zelda movie with Lord of the Rings quality special effects. It's bound to happen sooner or later, you know it is. I'm just hoping it's sooner.

Computer Geeks In Movies

As part of the promotional material for this year's New York International Latino Film Festival (NYILFF), ad agency Wing New York created a series of rather musing charts and graphs which highlight a number of well known movie cliches such as six round revolvers never needing reloading and the inability of the villain to ever actually hit the hero when they are shooting at them.

You can see the whole series here, but the graph you see above was easily my favorite of the set (for what should be obvious reasons). Oh those crazy movie computer geeks. They can topple invading alien armadas with nothing more than a macbook, but they can never manage to see to get those darned office printers to work correctly.