Thank God Michael Bay Didn't Direct Dark Knight

 

I think we can all agree here that Michael Bay is a hack director.  I'm not saying he's truly god awful though.  He's not as bad as Uwe Boll, I'll give him that.  But we all know Michael Bay is good for one thing and one thing only, big explosions.  If there's a big budget action film with no discernable plot and tons of explosions in it, Bay is your man to direct it.  He's not big on scripts or dialog or stuff like that, but he sure can make things look pretty when they blow up.

 

Which is why I find this fictional script for Michael Bay's version of the Dark Knight so god damned hilarious.  Whoever wrote this must have sat down and watched every Bay film ever, because their treatment of his types of scripts is spot on.  My personal favorite part is this, Batman, Alfred and a US Military General are in the Batcave discussing how they can take down the Joker's automated defense grid:

 

GENERAL: Now Here, about 10 clicks south-southwest of the DMZ, our DC-10's discovered a BDK with some CMVs.

 

ALFRED: So, you're saying the JOKER is hiding here, in the Middle East?

 

GENERAL: Exactly. Then, he repurposed the AAs for a wide range of cover reaching around back here to PPD.

 

ALFRED: And then he set up an online defense grid?

 

GENERAL: Bingo.

 

ALFRED: Well then, what do we possibly do?

 

There is a heavy silence as they search for a solution. Finally, BRUCE's face lights up with equal parts brilliance and insanity.

 

BRUCE: We hack the internet.

 

ALFRED: Hack the internet?

 

BRUCE: Yes, hack the internet.

 

GENERAL: No one's ever hacked the internet before.

 

BRUCE: Well, there's a first for everything.

 

GENERAL: Ok, I like it. But which one of the internets do we hack?

 

BRUCE: All of them.

 

Wow...just...wow.  That is so perfectly true of a Michael Bay script.  The rest of the fake script is just as funny. 

 

Thank god Warner Brother's didn't decide to hire Bay to direct the Dark Knight.  That's all I have to say