The Confession Of Captain Jack Sparrow

 

Shortly after the release of Pirates of the Caribbean and the massive film success it became, Disneyland introduced the film's main character, Captain Jack Sparrow, as a character in the park.  He would chat with the park's guests, take photos, sign autographs and all of the other usual stuff characters do.  You'd think that getting paid to be Captain Jack would be a lot of fun, right?  Well, it also had a lot of downsides to it apparently, including having to deal with molesting park guests and almost Nazi-ish Disney corporate policies.

 

While he doesn't give his real name, LAmag.com has an excellent interview up with one of Disneyland's original Jack Sparrow's.  You can read the whole thing here.  No longer an employee of the company, he is now free to tell all about his time working for Mickey Mouse, and some of the details he has about how guests treated him, and how the company works are incredibly interesting.

 

First there's the women.  Captain Jack Sparrow is a very popular character with the ladies, and Disneyland's corporate employees knew that.  Before he even began his job, the man playing Jack was warned to be careful around women.

 

Disney warned us we were going to have a lot of horny women coming on to us. They were also worried about girls. I heard Disneyland had an Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame. She was very flirtatious, and they finally pulled her because men found her too sexually arousing and were acting out.

 

The male character they had pulled was Tarzan. He moved around the tree house dressed in just a butt flap. Disney had hired these good-looking, muscular guys—even airbrushing abs on—and apparently there was excessive pinching of Tarzan’s ass by the park’s female visitors. Knowing all this, and also knowing what women were like around Jack at the Renaissance Faire, I told the other guys, “Don’t complain if girls flirt with you too much. If you do, they’ll pull the character from the park.”

 

It looks like Disney had good cause to be concerned though.  Some of the women who stopped to get photos with Captain Jack would pinch his butt or grab his ass whole handedly, others would . . . well . . . let's just say they got a lot more friendly.

 

I'll be honest: I didn’t follow all the Disney rules. I played Jack like he was real, and if a woman flirted, I would flirt back. Women loved it. But there were also women who would have too many beers at California Adventure or smuggle in alcohol you could smell on their breath, women who were clearly sloshed.

 

Here’s a napkin someone wrote on for me: “I will give you a blow job on your break, so sexy! Kim—714-XXX-XXXX.” I would also get offers from women in my ear: “Anything you want, just find me.” I had a girl who had turned 18 the day before. She was with a high school group, and she wrote down her room number at the Downtown Disney hotel. I had a lady hump my leg one day in the park.

 

But that's just the flirts and the drunks.  There were also the slightly creepy women to be concerned about.

 

Annual pass holders—eventually you would become the favorite of certain ones. Most characters were weirded out by the pass holders. Weird was a mother having her kids ditch school so she could come see me. Or coming to every set I did and walking the line over and over again just to talk to me. But I didn’t mind them. I built up about eight solid regulars that came for me. My biggest fans were a mother-daughter team that would talk a little, walk to the end of the line, and then come around again. I could see them twice a week, every week, every set.

 

And if the constant barrage of women didn't get to Captain Jack Sparrow, the corporate Disney folks did.  Some of their policies were extremely limiting, and really didn't make any sense.

 

Disney wanted us to tone Jack down, so they put us through an acting class to discover reasons why Jack walks and talks the way he does. Obviously he is based on Keith Richards, who’s always messed up, which is why they came up with the class. “Don’t be flirtatious,” they told us. “See women as trouble.” And they said as far as alcohol goes, don’t even mention drinking. But the Pirates of the Caribbean song is all about drinking, and they’re drinking all along the ride. So I eventually broke that rule, because it would have taken me out of character. When parents took pictures, I’d say, “Everyone say ‘rum,’?” and the parents loved it. The kids would just ask, “What’s rum?”

 

There's also a strict no dating policy at Disneyland, which got our Captain Jack into trouble when he and a certain red headed mermaid started seeing each other.  Add to that problems with management and a ridiculous point system that got people suspended or fired, and Jack's days at the park were certainly numbered.  Not only was this particular Jack Sparrow fired, but eventually Disneyland had to permanently remove the character from the park.  He was just causing too much trouble.

 

But, really, what did you expect a pirate to do?

New Geek DVD Day - 04/21/09

 

The Good:  The X-Men Trilogy

 

Why It's Good:  Just in time for the release of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, 20th Century Fox is releasing the first three X-Men films in a handy dandy box set.  If you haven't already bought these DVD's, now might be a good time.

 

The first X-Men film was a groundbreaking achievement.  It was the first team based superhero film that didn't totally suck balls.  In fact, it was rather enjoyable.  Then came X2, which was actually a solidly good film that was massively entertaining.  Then came X3, and well, it all went to shit.  But at least there were some decent action scenes.  Still though, the box set isn't a bad way to go if you need to buy these.  You get two good films and one crappy film for only $55.  Not too bad, overall.

 



 

The Badass:  Tiny Toon Adventures (Season 1, Volume 2) and Freakazoid! (Season 2)

 

Why It's Badass:  Back in the early to mid 90's, Warner Brothers animation hit sort of a second golden age.  Having not really done much since the classic Looney Tunes days, suddenly WB's animation department started turning out amazing shows like the Batman animated series, Animaniacs, Pinky and The Brain, and of course Tiny Toons and Freakazoid!  Where that amazing burst of talent came from, and why it's no longer here, is beyond me.  But for a short time, afternoon television was suddenly amazing again.  I miss those days.

 



 

The Awesome:  Caprica

 

Why It's Awesome:  It's a spinoff of Battlestar Galactica, and it's all about the original creation of the Cylons in the 12 Colonies.  If that's not enough for you, it's been created by Ronald D. Moore, the man responsible for pretty much my favorite three sci-fi shows of all time.  Aside from creating the new version of Battlestar Galactica, Mr. Moore is also responsible for producing and writing the vast majority of a little sci-fi show you may have heard of once called Star Trek: The Next Generation.

 

He also wrote and produced the vast majority of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine and is the writer of the first two (and best two) of the Next Generation's movies: Star Trek: Generations and First Contact.  The man has over 20 years of awesome sci-fi credits to his name.  Whatever he creates, I will watch.  And chances are, I'll probably love it.

GI Joe: Resolute Is Online Now

 

As I've mentioned before, the new GI Joe mini-series entitled GI Joe: Resolute will be airing this Saturday on Adult Swim.  However, if you can't wait that long to see the Warren Ellis written awesomeness, Adult Swim has been kind enough to post the first two episodes of the mini-series on their website.

 

I've watched them, and trust me when I say that they're awesome.  This is GI Joe as it should be.  This is what I was hoping the live-action movie would be, before I saw what they had done to poor Cobra Commander and lost all hope for it being any good at all.

 

I am so happy with how these episodes turned out.  If this were to become a new full fledged half hour TV show, it would pretty much instantly become my favorite show on TV.  Please, network executives at Cartoon Network, hear my plea.  Please pick this up as a regular show.

This Is What Happens When Venus Fly Traps Are Hit By Gamma Radiation

 



 

Actually, this is the concept art for that giant ice creature we've been seeing in all of the commercials and TV spots for the upcoming Star Trek film directed by JJ Abrams.  I personally like my headline better.  It feels more accurate.

 

The creature was designed by a guy named Neville Page, who previously worked with Abrams when he designed the Cloverfield monster which I totally guessed because that was the first thing I thought when I saw this monster in the trailers.  I thought to myself, "Why the hell did JJ Abrams put the Cloverfield Monster in the Star Trek movie.  That's kind of stupid."

 

The real question, of course, is how James T. Kirk is supposed to defeat that thing after he's been stranded on an ice planet all alone with no weapons?  My guess, if they're really staying true to the original characters in this film, is that Kirk will seduce it and have sex with it.  Then, while it is pining over him, he'll find a conveniently located shuttlecraft and will make a hasty escape to space.  That is, afterall, the typical Kirk strategy.

Announcing Geek-tastic's First Official Event: Nerf Assassin

 

We here at Geek-tastic are extremely happy to announce the first ever Geek-tastic.com event.  We're calling it Nerf Assassin, and it is open to any of you readers out there who happen to live in the Southern California area. 

 

What is Nerf Assassin you ask?  Excellent question.  Allow me to elaborate.

 

Nerf Assassin is an elimination tournament in which players will take on the role of an assassin who has been tasked with taking out select targets (other players) while at the same time defending themselves from possible assassination attempts.  The weapons available to you are everything that the Nerf company has ever made, including foam dart guns and foam swords.  To see the full rules of the game, you can go here.  Here's the basics though.

 

1. To apply to join the game, follow the directions here and send in a completed application form.


2. Once accepted, you will be emailed information on your first target (including their address, location and times they work, etc.).


3. Stalk your target and eliminate them by shooting them with a Nerf toy gun.


4. Take a picture of your victim to confirm your kill and send it in to us.


5. You will then receive a new target to take out, and the game begins again.

 

This will continue until only one player is left standing.  Beware though, once you sign up, you too are a potential target for other would-be Nerf Assassins out there who are trying to win as well.  This game is as defensive as it is aggressive, so constantly be on the look out for possible attackers.

 

Throughout the game, updates such as recent eliminations and possible rules updates or modifications can be found at the official Nerf Assassin Blog, and the highlights of the game will be posted here on Geek-tastic.

 

We apologize that this game is only available to those people who live in Southern California, but to make the game available to anyone would have made it too big to control (as well as almost impossible to coordinate).  But if you live between San Diego and Los Angeles and love Nerf games as much as we do, we'd love to have you join us. 

 

The cut off for applications is Tuesday, April 28th.  So get those applications in soon.  The game officially begins Friday, May 1st. 

 

The winner of the game will be given a small prize (to be announced), but remember that the main purpose of this game is to have fun. 

 

When Did Bumblebee Become A Co-Dependent Little Bitch?

 

Ok, so I'll be honest and say that I enjoyed the first Transformers film.  Yes, it admittedly had a number of problems (and by that I mean a ton) and it was by no means a great film, but it was also a cheesy fun popcorn eating sort of action film.  It was pretty much what I expect from a big summer Michael Bay film . . . brainless, but pretty (hey, just like Megan Fox).

 

I msut note though something that is seriously bugging me though about the new sequel that's coming out this summer.  Above are some new scenes that have been released to the public from the film, and the first scene bothers me a lot.  Exactly when did Bumblebee become a crying little bitch robot?  And exactly what is that fluid he's crying?  He's a robot for god's sake, he doesn't have tears.  Is he leaking lubricant out of his eye sockets?  Why would a robot be built to do that?  This is even worse than having to watch Bumblebee pee on that one guy in the first film, and that was pretty damn bad.

 

Also, how did his voice break again?  Didn't they fix that at the end of the first film?  I was really annoyed that he spoke using radio channels in the first film and was looking forward to seeing him actually speak in this film, but apparently that's not going to happen.

 

There's also some fighting and action scenes in the clip that don't look too bad, so I'll still most likely be able to enjoy this film too just so long as I don't actually try to think about it or anything.  But the idea of Bumblebee crying over being left behind by Shia La Beef just makes my stomach curl.  It's so wrong.

For Fans Of Both Joss Whedon And Crossword Puzzles, Today Is Your Lucky Day

 



 

If you happen to be a fan of both Joss Whedon's TV shows AND crossword puzzles, then this post is just going to make your entire week.  Some creative fans of Mr. Whedon's have gone and made themselves a Joss Whedon based Crossword puzzle, and they've put it online for you to enjoy.

 

While I fully admit to being a Whedon fan (Dollhouse aside), I am apparently not as  big a fan as some other people are because I find the clues to the crossword puzzle to be extremely difficult.  I thought my knowledge of Buffy and Angel and Firefly were pretty good, but after looking at a lot of the clues and having no idea what the hell they're hinting at, I have to accept that my knowledge of the Whedonverse is sadly lacking.

 

Hopefully, you'll be able to do better than I did.

 

(Via PopCandy)