The Cover To The New Issue Of Entertainment Weekly Is God Damned Hilarious

 



 

Thank god for Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert.  Without them I think I would have lost my mind by now over the stupid insanity that is modern politics in America.  Their ability to poke fun at the retardedness in the American Political system has helped keep me, and probably many other people, sane.

 

Above is the cover of the new issue of Entertainment Weekly.  If you don't get the joke, you should go check out this pic, which is the cover of the New Yorker magazine from a few months back.  This cover is a parody of that cover...and oh my good god it's brilliant!!!

Stephen Colbert in an afro wig.  Does it get much better than that?  I really don't think it does.

Guillermo Del Toro To Write Books That Really Suck

 

Suck blood that is.  Because they're books about vampires...get it?  Suck? Vampires?  It's a joke about how vampires suck blood.  Ok, sorry, I'll shut up now.

 

Anyways, Del Toro, seen above drinking what looks to be an iced mocha (or possibly a chocolate shake) has announced that he will be writing a trilogy of books about vampires, with some help from a writer named Chuck Hogan.

 

"The idea is epic in scope," del Toro said in a statement issued Wednesday by publisher William Morrow, an imprint of HarperCollins. "The trilogy advances in unexpected ways and each book contains unique and surprising revelations about the history, physiology and lore of the vampiric race, tracing its roots all the way back to its Old Testament origins."

 

The first book will be called The Strain, and it is set to be released next summer.

 

If you don't know who Guillermo Del Toro is, shame on you.  He's the director of both Hellboy films, another amazing film called Pan's Labyrinth, and he's going to be directing the new live action Hobbit movies.  So the chances that his vampire books will be great are pretty damn good.  I'll be sure to pick up the first one and give it a try.

Johnny Depp Is A Very Busy Man

 

It's funny.  I remember back in the mid 90's or so when Johnny Deep was seen as an actor who avoided big budget films.  He was known for serious roles and art house films like Dead Man, What's Eating Gilbert Grape or Benny & Joon.  I always liked the guy back then too, he played Edward Scissorhands and Ed Wood afterall.  And that was cool enough in my book.

 

Then, over time, his films started to get a bit bigger and bigger.  Sleepy Hollow, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, etc.  But even still those could be seen as roles he did because he loved the director or the role itself.

 

Then came a little film called Pirates of the Caribbean.  That thing exploded into something massively huge.  Follow that up with two even bigger sequels, and suddenly Johnny Depp is one of the biggest leading men in Hollywood.  And it doesn't look like he's going back to small arthouse films anytime soon.

 

Disney has announced a number of projects that will be starring Mr. Depp going forward, and they're all big films.  First up is a rather strange choice, Johnny is going to be saddling up to play Tonto, the sidekick to the Lone Ranger.

 

Johnny Depp has been cast in the upcoming Jerry Bruckheimer produced adaptation of the classic old-time radio and early television show The Lone Ranger created by George W. Trendle. The series followed a masked Texas Ranger in the Old West who rights injustices with the aid of his native American assistant, Tonto. He gallops along on his white horse Silver. The character’s signature quote is “Hi-yo, Silver, away!” Depp will play Tonto. Pirates of the Caribbean writers Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio have been writing the script. No start or release dates have been announced.

 

 Nevermind the fact that Johnny Depp IS NOT a Native American.  Nor is he usually playing a sidekick role.  That's definitely odd casting if you ask me.  There was no word in the article as to who will be playing the Ranger himself.  After that, Mr. Depp will be working yet again (for like the billionth time) with director Tim Burton to play the Mad Hatter in what will probably be Burton's total raping of the Alice In Wonderland story.

 

Depp must have signed a multi-picture deal with the studio, because it was also announced that the actor would play The Madd Hatter in Tim Burton’s 3D part live-action, part computer animated adaptation of Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. Principal photography is set to begin in November, with a March 5th 2010 release date previously announced. Concept art from the film was shown, showing the classic Alice in Wonderland scenes done in Tim Burton style, complete with curved and slanted corners. Everything is really stylized. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb have huge heads, and are shaped like upward missiles. None of the characters look like a dramatic departure from the traditional designs.

 

The sentence in there that really scares me is that the concept art shown shows, "the classic Alice in Wonderland scenes done in Tim Burton Style".  Let me translate that for you.  Everything is going to look like the Nightmare Before Christmas and wonderland is going to be all fake looking and it's not going to be anywhere near the awesomeness of the original Disney animated movie.  Do I have to remid you what the "Tim Burton style" did to poor old Willy Wonka?  Yeah, I thought not.

 

Lastly, the one piece of news that actually made my bitter and jaded geek heart happy is that last little announcement.  Depp will be starring in a tiny little low-budget film called...Pirates of the Caribbean 4!!!

 

At the conclusion of the presentation, Walt Disney Studios Chairman Richard W. “Dick” Cook announced “How about another pirates movie!?” signaling that Depp was now signed for Pirates of the Caribbean 4.

 

Admittedly, the last Pirates movie was on crack, but I can't help but love big-budget pirate movies.  I don't care who's in them, or what the story is about.  I just love to see big ass pirate ships firing off cannons at each other and swordfights with guys who are also firing off muskets at the same time.  I will always geek out over such things.  So I'm stoked that we'll get to see more of Captain Jack Sparrow and the man who (in my opinion) is the cooler pirate...Captain Barbossa.

 

Also, hopefully, now that they've closed out the annoying Orlando Bloom/Kiera Knightly storyline those characters won't be returning at all and the story can focus solely on the Pirates.  Because, let's be honest, that's all the audience really cares about anyways, am I right?

The World's Largest Miniatures Gaming Table

 

Artist Timothy Hutchings has created an interactive piece of art that he calls The World's Largest Wargaming Table.

 

The table starts off as an empty landscape each day and becomes populated, and played upon, by attendees to the gallery where it's installed at.  The table measures 900 square feet in size. 

 

Unfortunately, the table is located in New York, so I'll never get to play on it.  It looks like the people in the photos are having a ton of fun though. 

 

You can see more photos of the table, and the artist's other works here.

 

(Original link via BoingBoing)

The Geek-tastic Review Of Star Wars: The Force Unleashed

 

Ok, so after a week of playing The Force Unleashed I'm finally ready to share with you my thoughts and opinions of the game.  Mind you, I've never officially reviewed a videogame before, so I'm going to be making up the format as I go.

 

Also, I will be discussing plot points and will be REVEALING SPOILERRS about what takes place in the game.  If you don't want to have anything ruined, don't read this. 

 

 
Ok, you've been warned.

 

 

The Story:

 



For those of you who don't know much about the game, let me briefly say that the game takes place between the prequel trilogy and the good star wars film.  You play Darth Vader's secret apprentice, his name is Starkiller.  Darth Vader found you as a young kid, raised you in secret and is planning to use you to help him defeat the Emperor so he can rule the galaxy.  The game centers on the final stages of your training where you hunt down and kill Jedi knights and become a bigger and stronger Sith master.

 

The story is by far the strong selling point of the game for me.  It's a really good story.  It's not perfect, but it's certainly better than any of the prequel movies were.  As I was watching the cutscenes I actually felt like I was watching a Star Wars movie.  The writers and game designers did a great job capturing the feel of the classic Star Wars films.

 

Some specific things in the plot bug me as a Star Wars purist though.  The game takes place roughly 16 or 17 years after Episode III, and it sees your character officially begin the rebel alliance.  Wait a minute...what?  It took that long after Ep III to form the rebel alliance?  What the hell were Bail Organa and Mon Mothma doing for all those years?  Wallowing in their own misery?  I understand the desire to give the game's main character an important role in the Star Wars universe, but having him be the founder of the rebellion makes no sense from a timeline perspective.  Also, it kills the awesomeness of that scene at the end of EP. III where we see Yoda, Obi-Wan and Bail discuss organizing a rebellion against the Empire.  So was that scene all just talk now?  Did they do nothing after that?

 

Another thing that made no sense was that near the end of the game, Bail Organa gets captured by the Empire and is taken to the Emperor on the still-under-construction first Death Star.  Again, I ask WTF?  Ok, so he gets away at the end, but he couldn't just go back to Alderaan at that point.  He's a wanted fugitive of the Empire now.  He's been openly caught in Rebellion.  If this story actually took place, by the beginning of Episode 4 Alderaan would have been a completely Imperial held world.  Why would the Emperor let a known rebel leader go back to his homeworld without some form of reprisal?  It makes no sense.

 

I may sound like I'm being really negative here, but those are the biggest two plot points that bugged me.  Other than that, the rest of the story is actually a lot of fun to watch.

 

And I have to add that I absolutely love Proxy, your faithful droid companion in the game, who just so happens to be programmed to kill you.  He's a great comic relief in the game and has quickly become my favority Star Wars droid ever. 

 

If you have no desire whatsoever to play this game, and just want to watch the cutscenes, you can find them on youtube. Click here to see Part 1.

 

 
The Gameplay:







 

The gameplay of The Force Unleashed is a fairly straightforward action/adventure brawling game.  It has some elements of platformer to it, and there are one or two puzzles you have to solve too.  What makes the game really fun though is the force powers.

 

You're a very powerful dark Jedi in the game, and as such you get all sorts of fun force powers to wreak havoc with.  You can use the force to pick up people and objects in the game and throw them around, you can use the force to create large concussive blasts that throw everything around you all over the place, you can shoot force lightning at people, you can throw your lightsaber into things, and you can use interesting combinations of powers to create devastating combo attacks against opponents. 

 

The sheer amount of destruction you can cause in the game is a helluva lot of fun.  As you go through levels you will be leaving trails of broken and battered corpses behind you as well as destroyed rooms and pathways.  Grabbing Stormtroopers and flinging them into things is seriously amusing. 

 

At the of fights with large creatures and at the end of boss fights, the game treats you to cinematic kill scenes, provided you can hit the right button at the right time.  These are very enjoyable too as you get to see some new uses of the force never before seen in a Star Wars film.  Also, throwing a lightsaber into the face of a Rancor is fucking awesome!!!

 

However, the game suffers from a truly crap-tastic targeting system.  It's not so bad as to make the game unplayable, but it certainly detracts from the otherwise very fun gameplay.  It's most noticable when in boss fights or when fighting large creatures.  Instead of targeting the biggest threat to you, when you activate the targeting, the game focuses on whatever happens to be in your line of sight at the time.  So while you've suddenly focused on some crate in the background that you can pick up with the force, the Jedi you are fighting is stabbing you in the back with their lightsaber.  It can get really annoying sometimes.

 

Also, there were a few moments in the game where the entire game froze and I had to reboot my xbox.  At first I thought it was just my xbox, but after finding out that it was happening to friends too, it appears that the game may have had some manufacturing problems.  The freezing only happened to me a few times, but I've heard of others who have had it worse than me.

 

The game takes about 8 to 10 hours or so to beat, which may sound short, but is rather typical for an action game of this type.

 

 

Final Thoughts:

 





Overall, I really liked this game a lot.  I does have a few problems, but it does deliver on what was promised.  It's a fun romp through the Star Wars universe where you get to break a lot of shit and beat up a lot of people with the force.

 

If you're a big Star Wars fan, then this game is a must have.  If you aren't the biggest Star Wars fan, but you like action/adventure games like God of War, then you'll probably like this game too.

 

The game offers some replayability too in that it has two separate endings, and there's a bunch of hidden and unlockable stuff to be found in the game too.

Geek Cruises

 

Trying to figure out where to go on vacation?  Want to go on a cruise, but are bored by the idea of having to be surrounded by a bunch of annoying tourists?  Wishing there was a cruise for people like us?  A cruise for geeks?

 

Well, Wired has an article that provides you with all sorts of geeky cruises you can take.  There's a pirate cruise (of course), a videogame cruise and a chess cruise.

 

Thre's even a mac cruise where you can become an Apple certified support professional over the course of the trip.  Wow, training classes and cruise ships all rolled into one.  I don't know about you, but I definitely can't think of a more fun time than spending my vacation learning how to become a support technician.

Only Adam West Can Save The Watchmen

 

So says someone over at ComicBookResources.com.  According to said individual, they know people over at Fox that have told them that this whole Watchmen movie lawsuit has nothing to do with the Watchmen at all and has everything to do with Batman.  Specifically, it has to do with the 60's Batman TV series starring Adam West and Burt Ward.

 

Sources tell me that Fox want the 1960s Batman TV series. Currently Fox own the TV footage, but Warner Bros own the characters and trademarks, via their ownership of DC Comics. The rights to a DVD release have been held up for a long time now, and this case looks like it may be the instrument to release them.

 

Oh, Fox will get a wodge of cash as well - many millions of dollars it seems. But it seems they also want the rights to release the Adam West-starring Batman on DVD, something long denied fans of the series. And Warners will get the “Watchmen” film, to release as planned.

 

So is this whole multi-million dollar fight over the Watchmen really about releasing the old Batman show on DVD?  I don't know if I believe this entirely.  Personally, I get the feeling that this is something someone at Fox thought of at the last minute.  I'm willing to bet the conversation at Fox went something like this.

 

EXECUTIVE #1: So, Bob, how's that lawsuit over the Watchmen coming?

 

BOB: Excellent sir. We have a court date set in January. We'll get this movie stopped yet. Screw the fans.

 

EXECUTIVE #1: Great work Bob. If you succeed in getting this film banned and successfully anger the entire population of geeks in the world, we're going to promote you and put you in charge of the next Superman films.

 

BOB: Thank you sir. And I have this great idea for a Superman movie where he's all dark and violent, it's very edgy. And at the end of the film he fights a giant robot spider!

 

Suddenly, FRED from the legal department bursts into the room.



FRED: Sir, I just thought of something. We've been fighting Warner Brothers for years now over getting the rights to the old 60's Batman TV show released on DVD, right?

 

EXECUTIVE #1: Yes, that's correct. What's your point?

 

FRED: Well sir, why don't we use this lawsuit over the Watchmen as leverage so that we can finally get our way with the Batman DVD's?

 

EXECUTIVE #1: Brilliant thinking Fred. We can totally use our current sham lawsuit to get whatever we want from Warner Brothers. They've dropped so much money into this film already, that having it blocked will hurt them badly. They'll do whatever we say just so they can release the film.

 

The lesson here:  The guys over at Fox are total dicks.  On the plus side though, if an agreement is reached that allows season sets of the old Batman show to come out, then the fans get a bonus from the Watchmen movie.  I guess we'll just have to wait to see what happens.

 

I do have one question though, what the hell is a "wodge of cash"?  Is it more than a bushel?  Less than a shitload?  Where does it fall on the analogy chart for large sums of cash?